Tuesday, March 28, 2006
I love you, you're fired.
I don't really like to call this thing a blog, because if it was, I'd be ranting on about how I spilt a coffee on myself or ran out of toilet paper whilst doing a poo. I don't think people need to know about my life as I don't think talking about sex, drugs and rock and roll is all that interesting on paper, and I certainly couldn't be bothered reading about it. I'd rather read the shipping times at the back of the newspaper, but I don't have any friends illegally stowed away on a Chinese container ship so I don't need to know when they're coming in.
[insert segway here]
With the new industrial relations laws coming in, can I 'sack' a girlfriend and give no reason at all? I think it would be a great idea at the start of that new and exciting dating phase to draw up a position description to cover any potential breaches of employment law. If a girl knew from the outset that she was a 'casual, then I could let her go without so much as a holler.
Could I have a few casuals and sack the lot if I don't think they're effectively carrying out their defined tasks? This could be the beginning of the end of traditional relationships as we see them.
"I love you, you're fired" - the new Industrial Relationship laws.
The new laws are the Prime Minister's brainchild, so what's his take on them? Does Jeanette have to suffer the ignominy of an annual performance review, where she needs to convince her employer, in this case John, as to why he should keep her on? It would be a nervous time, sitting in his office, while he flicks through his files.
"Jeanette...Jeanette....Jane, no, Julia, whoops gone too far..ahh here we are Jeanette. So Jeanette. I'm reading here that you are my...wife...of 30 years...a few kids.
I'm looking at your 2005/2006 performance. Ahh that's right, now you might remember a couple of months back when you burnt that curry, three weeks ago when you turned my shirts pink, and at some point you also pestered me for sex. Things aren't rosy are they? Hanging on by a thread I reckon. Look, I believe in second chances, so I might give you another three months and see how you go, just to be on the safe side, and we'll go from there."
She clearly didn't a get a word in, as I couldn't bothered typing out any dialog but you get the picture.
Clearly, this can all be avoided if there are correct interview procedures in place. There are plenty of new methods of choosing that right person, with complicated interviewing techniques, psychological tests and the like. A curly question you might want to throw at a potential significant other (or insignificant through poor interviewing techniques) might be, "so what do you enjoy doing outside of work...maybe cheating?" Or some more practical tasks to test intelligence such as putting shapes through holes or a questionnaire about the topics you love. Here is an example:
Section 2 - Rock and Roll
1. You can't wait to see Iron Maiden, especially their bassist:
a) Joe Bloggs
b) Steve Harris
c) Bon Jovi
d) Gary Glitter
Section 3 - Beverage General Knowledge
You've just cracked open a cold brew, what the hell am I talking about?
These questions seem a little shallow, but heck every deep lake needs a surface, just like every puddle needs a bottom.
So choose that next person wisely, as they could turn out to be in it just for the money, and not the love of the job.
[insert segway here]
With the new industrial relations laws coming in, can I 'sack' a girlfriend and give no reason at all? I think it would be a great idea at the start of that new and exciting dating phase to draw up a position description to cover any potential breaches of employment law. If a girl knew from the outset that she was a 'casual, then I could let her go without so much as a holler.
Could I have a few casuals and sack the lot if I don't think they're effectively carrying out their defined tasks? This could be the beginning of the end of traditional relationships as we see them.
"I love you, you're fired" - the new Industrial Relationship laws.
The new laws are the Prime Minister's brainchild, so what's his take on them? Does Jeanette have to suffer the ignominy of an annual performance review, where she needs to convince her employer, in this case John, as to why he should keep her on? It would be a nervous time, sitting in his office, while he flicks through his files.
"Jeanette...Jeanette....Jane, no, Julia, whoops gone too far..ahh here we are Jeanette. So Jeanette. I'm reading here that you are my...wife...of 30 years...a few kids.
I'm looking at your 2005/2006 performance. Ahh that's right, now you might remember a couple of months back when you burnt that curry, three weeks ago when you turned my shirts pink, and at some point you also pestered me for sex. Things aren't rosy are they? Hanging on by a thread I reckon. Look, I believe in second chances, so I might give you another three months and see how you go, just to be on the safe side, and we'll go from there."
She clearly didn't a get a word in, as I couldn't bothered typing out any dialog but you get the picture.
Clearly, this can all be avoided if there are correct interview procedures in place. There are plenty of new methods of choosing that right person, with complicated interviewing techniques, psychological tests and the like. A curly question you might want to throw at a potential significant other (or insignificant through poor interviewing techniques) might be, "so what do you enjoy doing outside of work...maybe cheating?" Or some more practical tasks to test intelligence such as putting shapes through holes or a questionnaire about the topics you love. Here is an example:
Section 2 - Rock and Roll
1. You can't wait to see Iron Maiden, especially their bassist:
a) Joe Bloggs
b) Steve Harris
c) Bon Jovi
d) Gary Glitter
Section 3 - Beverage General Knowledge
You've just cracked open a cold brew, what the hell am I talking about?
These questions seem a little shallow, but heck every deep lake needs a surface, just like every puddle needs a bottom.
So choose that next person wisely, as they could turn out to be in it just for the money, and not the love of the job.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Leaders and Ponchos
What we wear reflects our status and state of mind - you won't find a national accounts manager heading into work wearing small shorts and a poncho.
I don't wake up thinking "I feel so good, I'm going to head into the kitchen, wrap myself in cling wrap and somersault down to the milk bar." Instead I'll probably wake up thinking about how much I need to go the toilet, or how I wish I hadn't woken up at all.
So do world leaders ever appear infallible? Do they have moments where their air of power they assume magically transforms into an air of silliness? I think there is a time when presidents and prime ministers serve their time of humbleness - where they appear even laughable, and that is at the annual APEC summit.
If you're unfamiliar with this annual meeting of the who's who of international leaders then I'll fill you in: world leaders get together every year at a host country and talk about things, such as cigars, wine and most likely golf. I think they would also chatter excitedly about the highlight of every APEC summit, and that is the anticipation surrounding wearing of the host country's national dress. At the end of every summit, the leaders don the national dress for a photo call, and for me this overshadows any ground-breaking tariff deals or resource sharing.
The photo is a bit small isn't it? Check out this close up:
John wouldn't know bad fashion if it overtook him on a powerwalk, but George Bush? He looks slightly embarrassed doesn't he? This one was taken at the 2004 summit in Mexico. Here are some past years highlights:
George has that knowing look that some how's your father may have happened one cigar smokin', whisky swillin' night with the guy in front of him. John is probably clueless.
Is there something we don't know? Is our Prime Minister a good kisser? Too much tongue? Maybe we should ask George. I know one thing, even the best of us can have a bad fashion day. For some of us we have no choice, and the consquences involve every major source of media around the world. My only gripe is that it only happens once a year, and I'm sick of seeing our leaders wear suits. Is there ever a casual clothes day or would that be a bad move as far as leader popularity goes? Anyway whatever the case, I'm going to put on my bikini made from watermelons and yesterdays newspaper, and hold my own summit of tropical nations that don't exist.
One might be Palm Palm Island, where there are no people, just palm trees. Who can forget Caravanalan? A quaint little nation who's chief export is caravans, but at the same time doesn't exist. These little nations slip under the radar which is a shame really, as the Japanese don't have any nations to exploit and bribe so they let them whale in their waters.
Poncho poncho!
I don't wake up thinking "I feel so good, I'm going to head into the kitchen, wrap myself in cling wrap and somersault down to the milk bar." Instead I'll probably wake up thinking about how much I need to go the toilet, or how I wish I hadn't woken up at all.
So do world leaders ever appear infallible? Do they have moments where their air of power they assume magically transforms into an air of silliness? I think there is a time when presidents and prime ministers serve their time of humbleness - where they appear even laughable, and that is at the annual APEC summit.
If you're unfamiliar with this annual meeting of the who's who of international leaders then I'll fill you in: world leaders get together every year at a host country and talk about things, such as cigars, wine and most likely golf. I think they would also chatter excitedly about the highlight of every APEC summit, and that is the anticipation surrounding wearing of the host country's national dress. At the end of every summit, the leaders don the national dress for a photo call, and for me this overshadows any ground-breaking tariff deals or resource sharing.
The photo is a bit small isn't it? Check out this close up:
John wouldn't know bad fashion if it overtook him on a powerwalk, but George Bush? He looks slightly embarrassed doesn't he? This one was taken at the 2004 summit in Mexico. Here are some past years highlights:
George has that knowing look that some how's your father may have happened one cigar smokin', whisky swillin' night with the guy in front of him. John is probably clueless.
Is there something we don't know? Is our Prime Minister a good kisser? Too much tongue? Maybe we should ask George. I know one thing, even the best of us can have a bad fashion day. For some of us we have no choice, and the consquences involve every major source of media around the world. My only gripe is that it only happens once a year, and I'm sick of seeing our leaders wear suits. Is there ever a casual clothes day or would that be a bad move as far as leader popularity goes? Anyway whatever the case, I'm going to put on my bikini made from watermelons and yesterdays newspaper, and hold my own summit of tropical nations that don't exist.One might be Palm Palm Island, where there are no people, just palm trees. Who can forget Caravanalan? A quaint little nation who's chief export is caravans, but at the same time doesn't exist. These little nations slip under the radar which is a shame really, as the Japanese don't have any nations to exploit and bribe so they let them whale in their waters.
Poncho poncho!
