Jock's Jocks

I love fashion. It is one of those things that I’ve found so hard to get right. Fashion trends move so quickly that for me, happy pants were uncool as soon as I pulled on my first pair, and people’s hypercolour t-shirts were old and fading by the time I was making the first hand print in mine. I could never get it right, and admittedly, I was still wearing tracksuit pants in late high school. I didn’t realise, but back then I was an uncool cat.
Yes, trends have come and gone, falling by the wayside as new and exciting trends pick up their discarded guns and fight on in the murky fashion trenches. Tight black rock pants dodge fire from ugg-boots and trucker hats. Pink polo tops try to deflect blows from 80’s Iron Maiden t-shirts. Yep, that’s how it works; competition is fierce and it’s a denim eats polyester world out there, meaning us fashion luddites have to avoid the pain of a potentially embarrassing outfit and resign ourselves to the safety of jeans and a t-shirt.
I don’t have any really strong opinions on most fashion; I think if something looks good then wear it - however, there is one fashion item that makes me feel nauseous, an item that makes me break out in a cold sweat every time I see it, making me reach for a bottle of Mylanta and drinking every single disgusting drop.
It’s Small Dogs in Handbags. I can’t think of anything more annoying and gross as a dog in someone’s handbag. I thought I’d seen it all, until one fateful turn of a Cosmo page proved that I was wrong, causing my innocent world to come crashing down. In this new, terrible world when it rains, it doesn’t rain cats and dogs anymore, it rains handbags and dogs. I can’t stand small dogs and I’m not a big fan of handbags either, so combining the two is like kryptonite to Superman.
"Excuse me ma’am, I think your cell phone might be ringing in your handbag," a helpful passer-by suggests.
"Oh no daaaahling, that’s just my dog barking," replies a lady that’s seen more surgeons knives than a surgeon themself has.

Paris Hilton, and some other people I can’t think of, parade around with their chihuahua wedged in their handbag, rubbing it’s bum on her purse and lipstick and whatever else she’s got in there. If I was begging for money and saw a rich lady (or man) walking down the street I’d hope that they could spare a few quid. However if I was begging and saw someone with a dog in a handbag, I definitely would not want money that’s touched a dog’s behind, unless it was maybe ten bucks or something.

We’ve all heard about these inhumane, thoughtless people who keep their dogs locked up in cars on steaming on hot days, with the inevitable happening. Well dog and handbag people should be careful when theyleaves their handbag parked somewhere in the sun, because DOGS DIE IN HOT HANDBAGS. They need to make sure that they leave the zip undone a bit, or could even have a dog-operated window installed in the handbag, so little Poo-Poo or whatever it’s called can enjoy a comfortable coolness. I hope I don’t turn on the news tonight and see a handbag related dog death, but if I do, just remember I told you so.
I don’t think this phenomenon is going to stop with dogs in handbags, I think next we might see environmentally friendly people taking little Schnuff-Schnuffs or whatever their dog might be called in their recyclable green canvas bags, while it rubs it’s bum on the milk and bread.

My stomach churns so I must click on 'publish post' and have a lie down.