Jock's Jocks

There is something about celebrities I can’t quite put a finger on. There are those with such horrible plastic surgery I don’t even want to put a finger on. Plastic surgery or not, they seem strange and seem so far removed from our own personal world that when they enter ours it’s a pretty big thing.

We stick their posters up on our bedroom walls, put their photos in our wallets/purses (sometimes instead of a significant other), and generally go gaga when we see them in real life. Sometimes I pretend that I don’t care when I see them on the street, but I’m secretly jealous of them. They set trends, however sometimes the things that they do, actually don’t turn into a trend. I didn’t have much need to go and do some lines after seeing Kate Moss get caught, nor did I want to go and make myself shorter after watching Lord of the Rings. I didn’t put on Harry Potter glasses as they were all too small, nor did I go and take countless photos of myself and then spam all of my friends’ email accounts. See, my last name isn’t Hasselhoff, so I can’t “Hoff” anyone, I’d have to “Jock” them.

“Hey guess what Nancy, I got Jocked again, and this time he was wearing nothing but a Christmas stocking and a cheeky smile. I wonder what theme it’ll be next.”

What I find really interesting however is that when we do see a celebrity, we don’t know what to do. I once met someone who danced alongside a Chemical Brother guy in a club, another person who saw Guy Pearce at a book reading, and someone who once saw me at the fish and chip shop buying a hamburger. Once I saw a comedian down at the shops and as he walked past I tried to say something funny to my friend so he’d turn around and say “Hey that was really funny, can I get your number and take you under my wing?” Instead he kept walking, so I’m hoping that he didn’t hear.

It can be that big once-in-a-lifetime moment for someone to talk to the person they’ve idolized for so long, however chances are they won’t do anything, as they have absolutely no idea what to do. What do you say to someone famous? When people find themselves standing shoulder to shoulder with someone who is known the world over, they either clam up or say something obvious like “Hey aren’t you (insert name here)?” If I was a celebrity and someone asked me if I was who I was supposed to be I’d tell them I wasn’t and to piss off. It’s like someone seeing me and asking “Hey are they jeans your wearing,” or “wow it’s pretty bad weather today isn’t it?” That would be met with another piss off I think.

Basically, we want to avoid having celebrities tell us to piss off and actually engage them in a meaningful conversation. Here are a few strategies to set you on your way.

Situation One: The Takeaway shop.

When you realize that they are in the same fried food purveyor as you, don’t wet your pants. Just relax, breathe slowly, and let your mind and body become one. The trick is to get to the famous person’s level, so you don’t look like some slathering, sub-human idiot. There are few different openers you can start off with, adjusting them to the food genre with which the take-away shop is engaged. Turn to them and say:

“I can’t believe this place doesn’t put pineapple in their burgers (if in a roast chicken shop, you could comment on the price of chicken nuggets).” If all goes to plan they’ll say “Yeah I definitely agree, although I reckon a bit of beetroot is pretty tops too.” This is perfect if you’re a guy because it’s a chance to relate to them. “Ha ha, for sure. You can root a beet, but you can’t beet a root (Russell Crowe might like that one).”

After seizing the opportunity to tell that crap-but-funny joke, you can go on to talk about sex, become good mates and then before you know it you’ll know a famous person. All you did was make an appropriately crap sexual joke and they were putty in your hands.

Situation Two: In their home.

You may be sorting through their rubbish, climbing over their security fence or hiding under their bed while they sleep. These aren’t the most favourable situations to bump into your favorite celebrity, however with some quick thinking and good old-fashioned acting, you’ll be sharing a coffee and a biscuit and swapping stories in no time.

There is a good probability that when you’re going through their rubbish before you know it, a pair of legs will appear in front of you, and as you look up it turns out be the celebrity your actually stalking. It’s make or break here, as in three months you could either be in jail, or in their bed. You look up and say “Oh hi (insert first name here).” Say it in a familiar tone, as if you’ve been friends for ages. Disarm them with a reassuring smile while your working out what to say next. “Excuse me, what the hell are you doing going through my rubbish you freak?” Things are on a knife’s edge right now, so be careful.

“I’m sorry (insert first name here), I’m new to the neighborhood and trying to work out what day rubbish goes out, but obviously it’s not today.” If they’re thick enough, they’ll invite you into their kitchen and check the local councils’ rubbish pick-up calendar that’s stuck on their fridge. Then they’ll hopefully ask you if you would like a coffee, and the rest they say, is a mystery.