Jock's Jocks

I was in a bookshop the other day, and it is so big that it even has it’s own café. It's a nice little nook where you can enjoy a coffee and a muffin; perfect for those people who need a break from the rigours of looking at books for twenty minutes. Some people don’t like this bookshop though, as it represents something what most bookshops do not - bulk buying hence affordability.

I was there looking for a book that I needed for an assignment I was working on. At some point, after having checked out the comedy section and having a quick laugh, I walked past the relationship section, and noticed that there were a lot of books about dating and relationship success. They contained amazing insights into the female psyche, the male psyche, fail-safe plans on how to attract that special girl; basically 101-ways to pants-jumping success. There were some really big books there, with alluring ‘buy-me’ covers, all written by people with ‘Doctor’ preceding their name, which I found really impressive. If the author were titled Dr Doodlelittle, Sir Usemylancelot or some other such saucy, impressive name, maybe I would have taken one of those books home and had an extended leaf through it.

Left: "Wish me luck, I'm about to battle my dating demons."

When did the first dating books actually appear? I suppose a few cultures have arranged marriages, so there is no market there at all, but other places would have been ripe for the reading.

In Ancient Greece was there a man entitled Datius Maximus who released a stone tablet on how to successfully date women? Did he call it “How to turn your lowly thatched cottage into a colosseum of love?” or “How to fool girls into thinking that you’re a gladiator and not a loser?” Maybe there were ten love commandments inscribed on the tablet. Here are a couple I haven’t selected:

Love Commandment Five: Thou shalt honour your father and your mother, and not use their bed for love-making if they are away on vacation.

Love Commandment Eight: Thou shalt steal someone else’s woman.

So maybe Datius Maximus was in fact the first verifiable respected authority on dating. A few others may have popped up on the way.

What about Sun Tzu’s lesser-known title, The Art of Dating? Apparently he released this book after his famous book on how to fight a war, as he found that so many soldiers were getting lucky before they proceeded to destroy whatever village they were in.

One of Sun’s immortal dating lines that I have found to be invaluable is:

You can be sure of succeeding with you attacks if you only attack places which are undefended.

Or if you are being threatened by a not-so-pleasant member of the opposite, or same sex:

You can ensure the safety of your defence if you only hold positions that cannot be attacked.

I interpreted the last line to mean “go and lock yourself in your car, or jump into a taxi before your defences are worn down.”

Apparently Tzu also talked about how to deny the fact that the person you are attempting to court is in fact not the least bit interested:

Therefore the clever combatant imposes his will on the enemy, but does not allow the enemy’s will to be imposed on him.

Some men maybe become intimidated by a female’s friends and then run off into the toilets. This is in fact a turn off according to Sun Tzu.

To begin by bluster, but afterwards to take fright at the enemy’s numbers, shows a supreme lack of intelligence.

If you can tell that someone is about to make a move on a ‘bird’ in a bar, Sun has warned us of the danger signs.

The rising of birds in their flight is the sign of ambuscade. Startled beasts indicate that a sudden attack is coming.

It seems that dating books have been around for years, and apparently a cave painting was recently uncovered in a forest somewhere with a picture of a man in a bear skin giving a woman a dead boar on a stick as a sign of his intent. The next cave drawing had to be censored, as this ole’ cavemen got lucky.

Dating; it seems that when man discovered fire, he also found the eternal flame of love.